


pounding hearts beat silently

by honeysuckers



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, bitty is a good friend, shitty+lardo+chowder have short appearances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-04-05 20:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19047547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeysuckers/pseuds/honeysuckers
Summary: Rooming together brought to light more than just how easily they butted heads. Nursey now knew a few more things about Dex than he really needed to.One: Dex hums to himself when he’s concentrating on coding.Two: Dex has a collection of t-shirts with bad puns on them that he wears to sleep.Three: Dex is attractive. Nursey’s known this, how even with his oversized ears and weird lumberjack style Dex is able to look good. What Nursey didn’t know was that he was attracted to Dex.Four: Dex is, very likely, homophobic.Dex had managed, for two years, to secure a single in the campus dorms. Whether it was because of luck or the note one of the school counselors sent the student life department, Dex didn’t know. What he did know was that he was woefully unprepared to go from living alone to not only a Haus full of physically affectionate hockey bros, but to sharing a room with Derek Nurse.Or, two friends start rooming together, and maybe they should've laid out some ground rules.





	pounding hearts beat silently

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is the first fic I've posted in years and my first for the Check Please! fandom. I've been working on this very slowly and inconsistently for weeks now, but it's done! Here you go, a fairly personal bit of writing.  
>  **Trigger/content warnings are definitely needed for: past sexual assault (not described in detail) and flashbacks/panic attacks (described in detail).** This is a fic with a lot about living and healing after trauma so please keep that in mind!

**1.**

**NURSEY**

It would be more pleasant to sell a part of his soul, to illegally sell his own kidneys, to read his poetry aloud to Murray and Hall, Nursey mused, than to room with Dex. If Dex ever makes good on his threats when Nursey leaves his clothes lying around, he might classify it as a form of torture.

It’s not that they weren’t friends. By sophomore year, they were friends enough that their fights weren’t fueled by hatred like they were in their freshman year, friends enough to chirp their ways through civil conversation, close enough that they even had a few inside jokes. Their bickering was manageable they lived in different dorms, rarely reaching all out fights because both were able to stalk away to their softly lit and relaxing rooms to mellow out and complain to their roommates. Or, at least, Nursey could. He made a point to always have fairy lights up and his roommate was a laid back theatre major from Seattle. Dex, Nursey guessed, had his own setup and hopefully a neater roommate.

But now they were living together, and Nursey was suddenly confronted with more Dex than he could handle. They ignored each other, they argued over arbitrary things. Whenever Nursey’s chill mask slipped, Dex would set him off and Nursey would end up storming away to have a panic attack in the bathroom where Dex wouldn’t chirp him endlessly for having a breakdown over seemingly small things. The friendship they had was crumbling. Nursey wished he’d just decided to rent a place off campus instead of honoring the coin flip that landed him in this situation. He really didn’t want to lose his friendship with Dex.

Rooming together brought to light more than just how easily they butted heads. Nursey now knew a few more things about Dex than he really needed to.

One: Dex hums to himself when he’s concentrating on coding. Quiet, of course, and he only did it when he didn’t think Nursey was there, but always surprisingly on key and relaxed.

Two: Dex has a collection of t-shirts with bad puns on them that he wears to sleep. Nursey’s favorite was a well worn grey one with a lobster holding a sign emblazoned with the words _‘say no to pot_ ’.

Three: Dex is attractive. Nursey’s known this, how even with his oversized ears and weird lumberjack style Dex is able to look good. What Nursey didn’t know was that he was _attracted to_ Dex. That realization hit uncomfortably a few days into the term, when Dex was half asleep at his desk, his knees pulled up against his chest and his face lit up by his dim computer screen. He was usually all sharp angles, glaring eyes and frowns, but in that light he looked soft, touchable.

Four: Dex is, very likely, homophobic. This, of course, made realization number three all the more unfortunate for Nursey, but was also just disappointing to know. Samwell was very liberal, and while Nursey knew most of Dex’s family was fairly conservative, he’d never seen the little things that made him question just how far the inclusivity of the college went.

Dex never outright said anything homophobic, or Nursey would’ve raised hell over it, but his actions spoke loud enough. Dex always pulled away from the team’s usual touchy-feely attitudes, forgoing nearly all physical contact off the ice. Nursey had a feeling Bitty sensed it too, because even when Dex was obviously stressed and would do well to get a quality Bittle hug, Bitty never offered. Dex never changed in the bedroom when Nursey was there, and if Nursey wasn’t out, he might’ve passed it off as Dex just being shy. But Nursey _was_ out, and Dex had no reason to avoid him like that, especially not after two years of hockey locker rooms.

So, two months into his first term of junior year, Nursey was stuck with an annoyingly attractive, homophobic, _asshole_ of a roommate.

He’d move out if it wouldn’t break Chowder’s heart.

**DEX**

Dex had managed, for two years, to secure a single in the campus dorms. Whether it was because of luck or the note one of the school counselors sent the student life department, Dex didn’t know. What he did know was that he was woefully unprepared to go from living alone to not only a Haus full of physically affectionate hockey bros, but to sharing a room with Derek Nurse.

Dex spent most of his time at the Haus anyways, his freshman and sophomore years, but he was always able to leave, have time to himself when he needed it. When he started vying for Lardo’s dibs, he felt confident he would be fine living in the Haus if he had his own room.

But things don’t always go according to plan.

Nursey wasn’t the worst roommate possible, but he was damn near close. He was messy, he was loud, he pushed Dex’s buttons, and he didn’t know when to _stop_.

In Nursey’s defense, Dex would sometimes rationalize, he never told Nursey where he drew the line and it was unfair to want him to just _know_ , but Dex would rather die than have a heart-to-heart with Nursey about what he could and couldn’t do. On the ice, Dex trusted Nursey wholeheartedly, their plays streamlined and their passes connecting like they were in each other’s heads. Dex wished that would carry over when they stepped off the ice, so he could somehow subconsciously tell Nursey to not stumble into the room blackout drunk, to turn down his music, to pick up his clothes.

Still, even if Dex was rooming with Chowder, who was damn near his best friend, there were parts of sharing a room he wasn’t prepared for. There was no privacy, Dex realized the first day of the term. He would be open, _vulnerable,_ constantly without a barrier to put up between him and Nursey. He would have to change in front of Nurse. He would have to _sleep_ , somehow, knowing someone else was in the room. It didn’t matter that it was Nursey—his friend, his teammate, someone he _trusted_ even if they bickered daily—Dex was uncomfortable and he hated it.

Sometimes Dex would entertain the idea of what he would do if he wasn’t terrified of that vulnerability. He wished he could crawl onto the couch between his teammates, have Chowder casually throw himself over Dex. He wondered what it would be like if Nursey sat next to him on one of their beds to watch a movie. He usually stopped that train of thought before he could think about what it would be like to kiss Nursey, but not always. Sometimes he would let himself wonder.

The Halloween kegster had the Haus packed full, the pounding music almost shaking the building. Dex was pressed against the living room wall, a warming beer in hand. He’d barely had anything to drink—he had an early lecture the next day and besides, he didn’t like getting too drunk.  

Across the room, Nursey was dancing, somehow confident in his sloppy movements, pulling his friends in to join him. Chowder, a little clumsy and uncoordinated, was dancing with Farmer, flush with alcohol and affection. Despite the mass of people, the kegster was tame for SMH standards.

Dex finished off his beer and was about to go the kitchen to toss out the empty bottle when Nursey came over.

“Dex,” he drawled. “Come and dance.”

And Dex let himself wonder. What would it be like to fit himself between Nursey and Chowder and whoever else joined, just to let loose and have a good time? How would it feel to stand so close to Nursey, to touch him as he danced?

“I can’t,” he said. “I’m going to bed, early class.”

Nursey pouted, but didn’t say anything. Dex tipped his empty beer bottle in goodbye and moved past him.

Upstairs, his room was thankfully still locked to keep out any drunk couples from consummating their love on Dex’s bed. Avoiding thoughts of _what if_ , Dex crawled under his blanket and fell asleep.

**NURSEY**

It was nearing 1 AM when Nursey untangled himself from the cute soccer player he’d been making out with, telling him to get home safe. He was drunk, but not drunk enough to go home with the guy, no matter how cute he was.

Or the fact that he had strikingly similar hair to Dex, not that anything else reminded Nursey of the redhead sleeping upstairs.

Still, he was drunk enough that his pre-existing clumsiness bordered on a danger to himself. He tripped over a few stairs on his way to his room, swaying on unsteady feet. Pushing open the door, he wondered if he could make it into his top bunk without injury.

He was drunk enough to reason that it would be safer to lie down on the bottom bunk, just for a few minutes, until he felt a little less like he was about to fall over. He might’ve gone across the hall to Chowder’s room like he usually did, but Chowder and Farmer had snuck upstairs a little bit before him, so Nursey slumped down next to Dex, sighing heavily.

As he shifted into a comfortable position, Dex stirred. He rolled over and his eyes flickered open—god, why were his eyes so pretty?—and then sat bolt upright.

“What the _fuck_ are you doing?!”

Nursey blinked at him; Dex’s sudden shift from peaceful and sleepy to _this_ was jarring.

“Get out of my bed. Get the fuck out,” Dex said, strangled and wide-eyed.

Nursey didn’t move for a moment, but then Dex reached out and pressed a hand to Nursey’s chest, shoving him out of the bed.

Nursey landed unceremoniously on his ass. “Ow! Dude, what the hell?”

Dex stared at him, his expression somewhere between angry and vacant, before he pulled himself out of bed and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

_Oh yeah,_ Nursey remembered. _Maybe it’s not a good idea to climb into your homophobic roommate’s bed._

**DEX**

Dex practically ran down the hall to Bitty’s room, only stopping to knock at the door. He needed—he didn’t know what. But Bitty could help, he always did.

“Come on in,” Bitty called, and Dex only made it a few steps into the room before his knees gave out and he sank into Bitty’s comfortable desk chair, dropping his head into his hands.

Bitty immediately launched himself from where he was sitting in bed to kneel down next to Dex.

“Hey, Dex, breathe for me, okay?” He said in a gentle tone. Dex hadn’t realized that his breathing was shallow and quick. “Can you do that for me?”

Dex nodded, focusing on evening out his breaths. He felt shaky, trapped, trying to sort between past and present fear.

_Stay here, stay now,_ he urged himself. _Samwell, the Haus, just here—_

_Why was Nursey in his bed?!_

“Dex, hun, you with me?” There was Bitty’s voice again and Dex tried to cling to it. “Do you want me to touch you, hun?”

Dex jerked his head no, he was sure if he felt a hand on him he would—he wouldn’t react well.

“That’s alright, hun, just keep breathing. You’re safe here, alright?” Bitty’s tone remained calm and reassuring, and he didn’t reach out to touch him.

(Dex allowed some of the panic to leave him. Bitty asked, of course, he listened, he didn’t touch him anyways.)

Dex finally managed to get his breathing steady, breathing in, two, three, four, out, two, three, four like a few counselors had told him to. After a few minutes, he lifted his head, blinking rapidly. Bitty was still crouched next to him, not close enough to crowd him, but near enough that his presence was comforting. He didn’t look alarmed, just concerned as sat there and waited for Dex to speak.

“I-” Dex started. “I’m sorry.”

Bitty smiled warmly. Dex returned it weakly, grateful for Bitty’s comfort. “No need to be sorry, dear. Panic attacks are nasty beasts, isn’t that right?”

Dex ducked his head, breaking eye contact. “Yeah. Uh. Thank you.”

“It’s no problem, Dex.”

He didn’t meet Bitty’s eyes again, but he cocked his head and reached out a hand. “Can you, uh. Can you hug me?”

(And Bitty hugged him the way he always does when Dex asks, as steady and warm as he does everyone else. He doesn’t hold Dex like he’s about to shatter, and Dex can never find the words to properly thank him.)

**2.**

**NURSEY**

Dex didn’t come back to their room that night. When Nursey woke up the next morning, his head pounding, he was thankfully in his own bed. He groaned and heaved himself off the bunk, leaning heavily against it as his eyes adjusted to the morning light.

He grabbed his phone from his desk to check the time and unlocked it to see a message from Bitty.

_From: Captain Bits, 6:54am: Do you know what happened with Dex last night?_

Nursey wondered if Bitty heard Dex yelling, though it seemed unlikely.

_To: Captain Bits, 9:23am: no clue_

_From: Captain Bits, 9:25am: Check on him, maybe?_

A jolt of anger shot through him. So he accidentally made his roommate uncomfortable, it wasn’t Nursey’s fault Dex didn’t like sharing a room with a queer dude—that train of thought was cut off by a sudden twisting of anxiety in his stomach. They were _friends,_ and the thought of Dex being… disgusted by him? It didn’t sit right.

He dragged a hand over his face, placing his phone down on his dresser before getting dressed. He’d deal with that after breakfast.

Downstairs, Chowder sat in the kitchen, flipping back and forth between a textbook and his laptop. There was a plate piled high with muffins next to him, and Nursey grabbed one before slumping into the seat across from Chowder.

“You look like crap,” Chowder remarked as soon as he looked up from his work. “I mean- you look fine! Just tired!”

Nursey huffed. “I’m not offended, Chow. Just hungover.” That was mostly true.

Chowder hummed. “Eat a muffin, it’ll help.”

Complying, Nursey took a bite out of the one he was holding. “Have you seen Dex?”

“No, why?”

Nursey shrugged. “No reason.” Avoiding Chowder’s scrutinizing stare, Nursey pulled his phone out and opened it to text Dex.

He ate his muffin and stared at the screen, debating what to say. He typed out something, deleted it, tried again.

_To: Dexy, 9:46am: Sorry about last night, I was pretty drunk, didn’t mean to startle you._

He didn’t get a response until the afternoon, halfway through Global Lit.

_From: Dexy, 2:03pm: its alright sorry i freaked out_

Nursey frowned at the message. Dex was avoiding the Haus; he hadn’t come back after his morning class even though he almost always did and Dex rarely broke his routine like that. Nursey shoved his phone back in his pocket, trying to focus on the class, but all he could think of were wide golden eyes and locked doors he didn’t want to open.

**DEX**

The Haus smelled like fresh pie when Dex came back from his evening Image Processing lecture. Dex was exhausted; he hadn’t come back to the Haus since he left for his 8am class, choosing instead to catch up on problem sets in the library, and despite Nursey’s text, he was on edge. He could attribute that to the panic attack—his nerves were always fried afterwards. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep. But Shitty and Lardo were visiting for dinner, already set up in the kitchen in an animated discussion with Nursey and Bitty.

“Dex!” Shitty greeted him enthusiastically as he stepped into the kitchen. “My man, how goes it?”

Image Processing was mind numbing, so Dex answered with a groan. Bitty smiled sympathetically and handed him a wooden spoon.

“The chili’s almost done but it needs stirring, can you mind it while I get working on the apple pie lattice?”

Dex took the spoon; cooking with Bitty was relaxing, so despite his exhaustion he stayed in the kitchen. He stood near the stove, stirring occasionally and only half-listening to the bright conversation that filled the kitchen. Nursey was going on about something one of his professors had said earlier— _“Lord of the Flies is_ not _an accurate representation, it’s just adolescent white boys, I mean come_ on _!”_ —before the conversation turned to Shitty’s law school classes.

“Yeah, I mean it sucks and is really indicative of the institutional sexism of the legal system,” Shitty started, “but the other mock trial team has such an advantage ‘cause the typical lack of evidence in sexual assault cases usually makes it _super_ hard to win!”

Dex froze, staring intently at the chili, willing another subject change.

Nursey hummed in agreement. “Plus, with everything going on with social media there’s such a push for victims to share their stories so there must be pressure to win the case even if it _is_ just a mock trial.”

Dex’s knuckles were white around the wooden spoon.

Shitty groaned. “Yeah Nursey, I just wish the victim testimony we’d been given wasn’t so _vague-_ like if there was anything solid to it this whole shitshow would be so much easier!”

Dex took a small, shaky breath and placed the spoon down on the counter, mumbling to Bitty that he needed to get something done before dinner, and fled up the stairs with as much composure as he could handle.

He sank to the floor as soon as he closed the door, leaning against the side of his bed and trying to breath and count and ground himself and—

This was all too much, too soon. As much as he tried to ground himself— _he’s_ _in the Haus, in his room, no one else is there_ —it didn’t work.

Dex hated the flashbacks. It was like reason was ripped from him and he was suddenly helpless and scared, frozen in place. All the emotions came crashing into him, like a wave, and he could _feel_ the hands on his body. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to convince himself he was alone and safe, but his body wouldn’t listen. He just had to ride it out.

**NURSEY**

Dex left the kitchen with such urgency that it was hard to miss. Nursey rolled his eyes, watching Dex hurry up the stairs.

Bitty stared after him, frozen with his pie in hand, concern evident in his face.

“What’s up with him?” Lardo asked when he was out of sight.

Nursey shrugged but had the sneaking suspicion that somewhere in his conservative upbringing, Dex had gained some opinions that were less than conducive with the subject of conversation. Was he really one of _those_ people?

Bitty unfroze, sliding the pie hastily into the oven. “Should I check on him?” he asked, not really directing the question at anyone.

“Nah,” Nursey said, waving a hand dismissively. “He’ll just get pissy about us bringing politics into everything.”

“You think this is about _politics?_ ” Bitty’s tone was unusually harsh. When Nursey looked up, he was met with an astonished and _angry_ glare. His throat tightened. “Derek Nurse, you absolute—” Bitty cut himself off, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’ll be back.”

Bitty left the kitchen, and Nursey sat stunned for a few moments before Shitty broke the silence.

“Uh, dude, what did you do?”

Nursey didn’t know, but he knew _something_ was wrong. With sudden urgency, he launched himself out of the chair.

“Make sure nothing burns,” he grunted as he followed Bitty up the stairs.

The door to his and Dex’s room was closed, but he could make out Bitty’s voice from inside. Nursey paused, trying to make out the words, but it was unintelligible. He took a determined breath stepped inside before Bitty could say anything.

As the door swung closed behind him, Nursey was suddenly wanted to punch himself in the face. Maybe run back into the kitchen. Get swallowed into the earth. Any alternative to seeing Dex shaking on the ground and _oh god was he crying?_ This wasn’t about politics, that was for sure.

“That’s it, Dex, just breath…” Bitty said softly from where he was sitting next to Dex.

Nursey stood stunned for a few moments before Dex mumbled something between shaky breaths.

“Stop touching me.”

Nursey looked at Bitty, who was definitely not touching Dex. Recognition flashed over Bitty’s face and he let out a small sigh.

“Oh, hun... Dex, I think you’re having a flashback. I’m not touching you, I’m not gonna touch you.”

Dex didn’t reply, just sat there shaking. Bitty opened his mouth to say something, but Shitty was shouting up the stairs. “Yo, Bits, something’s burning!”

“I gotta go, Dex, or Shitty’ll burn down the kitchen.” Bitty said, obviously annoyed, standing up. “Nursey, you’ll stay here?”

Nursey gulped, nodding. Bitty gave him a weak smile and hurried out of the room, the faint smell of smoke wafting in as he opened the door. Nursey crouched next to Dex, where Bitty had been sitting.

“Hey, Dex, it’s Nursey…” He racked his brain for everything he knew about trauma reactions, every grounding exercise he knew because of his anxiety. “I’m gonna try—Can you—can you tell me five things you can see?”

Dex raised his head from his knees, his eyes red and a little distant. “The carpet. My desk.”

His voice was barely audible, but Nursey nodded, humming in approval. “What else?”

“Trashed poems.” Nursey had tossed a small pile of crumpled up poems off his bed earlier. Apparently he never remembered to pick those up. “Christmas lights.” Dex let him put those up with reluctance, but they did make the room pretty.

“One more?” Nursey asked.

Dex glanced at him, not making eye contact. “You.”

“Good, good. Uh. Four things you can hear? No, touch, four things you can touch.”

Dex obliged, his breathing evening out as they continued. After identifying three things he could hear, he’d loosened his arms from around his knees. At two things he could smell, his voice was steady. By the time he said he could taste Bitty’s chili, Nursey felt confident that the panic attack was over, but Dex was still on the floor, still not making eye contact with him.

“I’m sorry,” Dex said eventually.

Nursey started. “Dude, _no_ , there’s no need to apologize for that.”

Dex shrugged, unconvinced.

“I think the chili’s done. It might be burnt but do you want me to bring you a bowl?” Dex nodded, and Nursey stood up, stretching his stiff legs. “You’ll be okay if I leave?”

“Jesus, Nurse, I’m not made of fucking glass,” Dex grumbled and rolled his eyes. Nursey couldn’t help but smile; that was the Dex he knew.

“Alright, I’ll be right back.”

**DEX**

Nursey left the room and Dex heaved a sigh. He pulled himself into his bed, lying on his side, and waited for Nursey to come back.

He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. He didn’t _want to_ , it wasn’t his fault for his reaction, but he did anyways. Out of the entire SMH team, Bitty was the only one who’d helped him through a panic attack before—hell, he was the only one other than the coaches who knew he had PTSD and that was only because it was on his medical records. He was a solid, if small, support for Dex ever since he opened up about it. Bitty understood, could relate Dex’s experience to his own.

Dex knew Nursey had anxiety. Maybe it wouldn’t be the same, but Nursey might understand too.

He didn’t know how long it took, but there was a light tap at the door and Nursey came in, balancing two bowls of chili in one arm as he used the other to twist the doorknob. Dex took one when offered, taking a few bites as Nursey situated himself on his desk chair.

Dex took a deep breath. “I should explain.”

Nursey cut him off immediately. “You really don’t have to, it’s none of my business.”

“I want to,” Dex said, pointedly. Nursey nodded and closed his mouth. “In high school, one of my teammates forced me to… to do some stuff. He found out I was gay, thought I’d be…” Dex trailed off, bunching up the blanket under his hand to keep himself grounded. “He was leaving for college in a few weeks so I didn’t say anything.”

Dex glanced up at Nursey, watching him process the information. His face was still, frozen in some messy emotion like he’d been slapped. Dex looked away.

“Then in our first year here, I got too drunk or maybe got drugged at a party, but it happened again. I can’t remember who it was or anything so. I never reported it.” Dex took a deep breath and carried on, his words felt clinical and impartial. “I talked to a counsellor here, trying to cope and shit. I was getting better at handling my triggers but moving messed with me and I’ve been… more on edge. Things get to me more when I’m stressed and—” he cut himself off with a shrug. “Yeah. That’s it.”

It wasn’t a detailed recounting, far from it, but Dex still felt like he’d filleted himself, laid bare in front of Nursey. But maybe that felt okay.

Nursey made a small strangled noise. “I’m such an idiot. I thought you were uncomfortable with me being gay.”

Dex’s gaze snapped up and he let out a sharp laugh. “ _What_?”

Nursey rubbed a hand over his face. “I thought you were so standoffish with everyone because—okay, let’s be honest, there’s some _major_ homoeroticism going on with this team. But you’re gay _._ ”

A small smile broke out on Dex’s face. “Uh, yeah. I’m just… not into physical contact unless I initiate it.”

Nursey’s eyes widened in comical realization. “Oh my god, and last night—holy shit, Dex, I’m _so sorry_.”

“No, you didn’t know. I probably should’ve set some boundaries early on,” Dex admitted.

Nursey fixed him with an earnest look. “You can now, so I don’t accidentally do anything to trigger you.” He looked like a puppy, his eyes wide and pleading.

Dex nodded. “Yeah, I can.”

**3.**

**NURSEY**

“Uh, Nursey?”

Nursey nodded but didn’t look up, hands still poised over his keyboard. They were trembling, he noticed distantly.

“You’re shaking,” Dex said. He sounded wary, concerned. Nursey just shrugged.

“Long day,” he managed, but his voice sounded small. He felt sick, like he was about to cry but he was _okay_ , it was only anxiety. This paper wasn’t even due for another week; the anxiety was random. That happened sometimes. He was okay. _He was okay._

Dex rested his palms on Nursey’s desk, studying him with uncertainty. “Is this… this is an anxiety thing?”

_Cut right to the chase there,_ Nursey thought, but he nodded. “It’ll be fine. Just give me—”

“When’s the last time you ate?” Dex interrupted. Nursey looked up at him, but Dex wouldn’t meet his eyes. “You mentioned you can, uh, get really anxious when you forget food?”

“I don’t remember,” Nursey said honestly, and Dex crossed the room to rummage through his bag. He returned with a squashed energy bar and tore open the wrapper, handing it to Nursey. _How did Dex remember that?_ Even Nursey forgot low blood sugar could trigger his anxiety.

Nursey ate without protest, swallowing the whole thing in only a few bites. His chest still felt like someone was standing on it and tears still pricked at his eyes, but he knew food would help.

“Thank you,” he said, crumpling the wrapper in his hands to keep them from shaking.

Dex smiled. “No problem.”

Nursey swore a blush rose in Dex’s cheeks, but he turned back to his computer before he could confirm it. He expected Dex to go back to whatever he was doing, but he hesitated, not moving away.

“Uh.” Dex began, eloquent as ever. “Do you want a hug?”

Whatever he thought Dex was going to do went out the window. Because Dex never hugged anyone. Because Nursey would _love_ a hug.

“Really?”

Dex scoffed. “Yeah, really. I’m offering.”

“Oh. Yeah. Chill.”

“Is that a yes?”

Nursey nodded, and let Dex pull him out of his desk chair and into a tight hug. Nursey curled into Dex’s chest as he wrapped his arms around Nursey’s shoulders, because this felt _good_ and grounding and like maybe if he stayed here for a little while he could clear his head. He let himself become pliable in Dex’s embrace, folding like putty as Dex pulled them down onto his mattress. They leaned against the wall, Nursey half on Dex’s lap, Dex’s arms still tight around Nursey, their breathing falling into unison.

**DEX**

This was a stupid idea. Dex had wondered, of course, what it would be like to hold Nursey. He’d imagined the way Nursey’s toned arms might feel, how soft his skin might be. But his daydreams weren’t like this. This was overwhelming, Nursey filling all of his senses, tender and heavy and shaking ever so slightly. This was good, feeling Nursey breathe with him and melt into his arms. This was _stupid_ , because all Dex wanted to do now was bury his face in the top of Nursey’s head, kiss his temple, tell him everything was okay.

Nursey shifted and raised his head. “You’re a really good person, you know that?”

Dex blinked down at Nursey’s unguarded and honest expression. “What?”

“You’re a good person.”

“Oh. I just wanted to help.”

A small smile grew on Nursey’s face. “Thank you.”

“Whenever you need it.”

**4.**

**DEX**

The first snow of the year came a few days after Thanksgiving, before the Haus had filled up again. Bitty was still in Providence after spending a few days in Georgia and Chowder’s flight from California didn’t get in until the morning, so Dex and Nursey were alone to watch the first flakes fall.

Dex was standing at the stove, a halfway decent attempt at mac n cheese cooling in front of him when he saw it begin through the window. Nursey was perched in a chair at the table, reading something Dex was fairly sure was not just for an assignment.

“Hey, it’s snowing!” he said, leaning closer to the glass.

Nursey appeared at his side, looking into the evening light outside. “Dude,” he whispered appreciatively.

Dex pushed back from the stove and scurried into the hallway, pulling on his boots before throwing the door of the Haus open. Cold air hit his face as he jumped off of the porch and into the snow. With outstretched arms, Dex stared into the sky, watching the snow fall around him.

“It’s fucking _freezing_ , Dex!” Nursey whined from the doorway. “Get back in here!”

Dex spun around to face Nursey, who was trying to bury himself in his oversized SMH sweatshirt against the chill. He looked soft. Dex wanted to hug him. Dex wanted to kiss him.

“No, come out here!”

**NURSEY**

Nursey made a strained noise, but shoved his feet into a pair of shoes and trudged down the porch steps. As grumpy as he felt about the chill, his annoyance washed away at the look of wonder on Dex’s face as he watched the snow. Small flakes peppered his red hair, shining like crystals in the light spilling from the Haus, his cheeks tinged pink with cold. Nursey looked up at the sky just to tear his eyes away from Dex.

“Nursey?” Dex drew Nursey’s attention back to him, his voice soft. He was staring at Nursey the same way he’d watched the snow. “Can I kiss you?”

A million thoughts and emotions raced through Nursey’s head at once as he tried to find words, but none would come. He swallowed and nodded, taking a step towards Dex. Dex placed a hand on Nursey’s cheek, running his thumb over the cold skin, and leaned in.

The kiss was gentle and tentative, Dex’s chapped lips pressing softly against Nursey’s. A shiver went down Nursey’s spine and he reached out to find Dex’s other hand, lacing their fingers together as he kissed back.

Dex pulled away with a breathy laugh, their foreheads resting against each other. Nursey grinned, squeezing Dex’s hand. They stood like that for a blissful moment before a gust of wind blew through Nursey’s sweatshirt.

“Can we do that again, but inside where it’s warm?” he asked.

Dex brought their clasped hands to his lips and brushed a kiss on Nursey’s knuckles. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you leave a comment I will love you forever.


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